Hitch a ride on a road trip that begins with first contact and ends with last rites.
The Arca Trochia, a shifty, omniscient mega-fungus two billion light years from Earth, impregnated Dr. Vanderbilt’s mind with thought spores, ideas, Sparks. The Sparks create portals allowing for instantaneous travel between the two worlds: Spires.
The first Spark told Dr. Vanderbilt to document every detail of the Arca Trochia’s home world; Halteres. The second Spark told him to attach bionic, opposable thumbs onto his cats. Thumb ideas should not be meddled with.
PAY ATTENTION. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dr. V thinks these ideas are his, and what he doesn’t know, will kill us all.
EARTH’S FATE COULDN’T REST IN WORSE HANDS.
Can psychotic, cyborg cats, a pyromaniac alien, the punk rock alchemist, a merc known as Lilac Vengeance, and a severed head convince the oblivious doctor that he and his cats hold the key to thwarting the imminent alien invasion?
It’ll take every gram of effort (and drugs) the trans-galactic cadre of misfits can score to knock some sense into Dr. V as they cut a swath of debauchery through the Rocky Mountains and Southwest to head off the attack.
ALIENS, PREPARE TO ABDUCT SOME LEAD.
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PATTON’S SAD TAIL
Extreme Steel Pussy
Veteran of Chemical Wars
Mutant, telepathic feline with robotic hands.
Missing a fang, a working tail, and any sense of decency.
Belted cannabis pugilist and remorseless killer.
Tortured by the unbearable war between instinct and judgement.
Punker, resigned nihilist, career partier, dabbler in alchemy, and master of pharma.
Subversive miscreant with a pewter soul.
Life gave him shit, and he stomped a waffle in it with army surplus combat boots, shoved it in a thrift store jean jacket, and carried it with him ever since.
Full mental straitjacket.
The ride, the muscle, and the bank.
A pro behind the wheel, a gun, military grade tactical gear, and her armor piercing eyes.
Guardian angel, apple in Eden, poison, elixir, and taunting coup de grâce.
Lieutenant Colonel Fucknut
Not of this Earth.
Master of spatial combustion.
Able to control fire, gnarly alien beasts, and the sexual desire of anyone she comes near.
Enjoys evening motorcycle rides, traveling across the universe, and lighting national parks on fire.
COPP (Cephalic Otherworldly Psychic Parasite.
Able to inhabit and control other life forms.
Trapped in a severed head for most of his life (which consists of a few days).
Disgusting feeding habits but the universe’s greatest water treatment organism.
AKA Dr. Do-Nothing, Dr. Doom-And-Gloom, Dr. Morose, master of ceremonies of the shit show, Dad, Pops, Father, fodder, worthless, magnesium-iron battery, idiot, Favored Conscript, weak, not the chosen one, fucked.
Author of Halteres and inventor of the TOOTs (Tactical Opposing Opposable Thumbs).