But before you get sidetracked, I’ll give you their rundown, ranked from least worst to most worstest (quiet).
Alien 3 (1993)
Alien: Resurrection (1997)
Event Horizon (1997)
Critters 4 (1992)
Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)
John Carpenter’s Ghosts of Mars (2001)
Apollo 18 (2011)
Jason X (2001)
Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)
I didn’t even know where to begin. So, I decided to compile a list of my own. Here are some of my guilty pleasures.
And these aren’t, “Yeah, it didn’t really get good reviews, but I liked it.” (Event Horizon (1997), Deep Rising (1998), Judge Dredd (1994))
These are largely reviled cinematic train wrecks I absolutely love and never get tired of watching.
Without further delay, let’s start with one on moviefone’s list.
JASON X (2001)
Directed by special effects pro James Isaac (Return of the Jedi, eXistenZ), Jason X is an efficient, entertaining sci fi horror flick. After Part IV: The Final Chapter, it’s my favorite in the series.
The characters are mostly stock, but they’re well played, highlighted by Kane Hodder (you already know), Peter Mensah (300, Avatar) as Sgt. Brodski, Yanni Stellman as Stoney, Lexa Doig (Andromeda, Stargate SG-1) as Rowan LaFontaine, Lisa Ryder as Kay-Em 14, and especially Jonathan Potts as Professor Brandon Lowe.
The movie is very funny and self-aware. You even get a cameo from David Cronenberg and Cronenberg regular Robert A. Silverman.
Now, nobody can mention cinematic train wrecks without including our next film.
HIGHLANDER 2(II): THE QUICKENING (1991)
Literally, the cinematic train wreck in the movie is one of the most baffling, and oddly endearing, aspects of the film.
Seriously, you have Michael Ironside (General Katana), masticating every line of his shitty dialogue as if it were his last meal. Truly sublime.
Nowhere is it, as well as the inanity of the movie, more evident than when Katana inexplicably hijacks a subway, gets it up to about 700 mph (Or is it kph? What city are we in?), killing everyone on board, and crashes it through a Styrofoam wall, where it stops on a dime in an alley.
Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on in this movie, and I’ve seen it about 20 fuckin’ times. I don’t care. It’s entertaining. If there were a picture to go with the ‘so bad it’s good’ entry in my glossary, it’d probably be this…
But hey, Christopher Lambert is having fun.
He’s still an awful actor, but he plays a regretful old man well. And Sean Connery is the regretful old man.
And let’s throw John C. McGinley in there for good measure.
By the way, what’s this movie’s Tomatometer, Blutarsky?
I could go on for days, but we have a list to finish!
THE NEW BARBARIANS (WARRIORS OF THE WASTELAND) (1983)
I’ve mentioned this one a few times, but having found this gem (along with Reefer Madness and Slipstream) on a public domain bundle called Nightmare Fuel still tickles me.
I mean, it has two of the most brilliant lines in movie history.
And let’s not forget…
Everything about this movie is low budget, but its renegade craftsmanship is contagious.
Yes, that Godzilla. I don’t know why, but I like it better than the 2014 version, although King of the Monsters kicked ass.
Matthew Broderick was horribly miscast in it, but I enjoyed Jean Reno, Hank Azaria, and Kevin Dunn. The effects were killer. Who cares how big Godzilla is, as long as he’s really fuckin’ big.
Loosely based on a Michael Chricton (Jurassic Park, The Andromeda Strain) novel and directed by super-producer Frank Marshall (Indiana Jones, Back to the Future), Congo is a hot and humid mess.
From the awful effects, sets, and costumes to the cringe-worthy dialogue, it’s fun to watch what a monumental missed opportunity this movie is.
You see talent wasted on the screen the entire movie. Tim Curry (The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Legend, The Hunt for Red October), Ernie Hudson (Ghostbusters and two different movies called Leviathan), and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (The Thing (2011), Suicide Squad), in his screen debut, make the most of their roles.
You also get glimpses of Delroy Lindo (Broken Arrow, Da 5 Bloods), John Hawkes (From Dusk till Dawn, Winter’s Bone), and none other than Bruce Campbell right up to the 7:18 mark.
Well, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it.
Bruce says, “Keep an eye out for Opposable!”
Until next time, please, bother me! I’m giving away a book!